I’m afraid I can’t explain myself sir, because I’m not myself you see.

18 Oct

Good evening. I’m very pensieve at the moment, actually for the past couple of months/years, but more so at the moment.

To break out of my melancholic state, I decided to watch some entertaining Celebrity YouTube videos (Learning Japanese Kanji is making me think too much.) I was enjoying myself until I came upon an interview with a rising celebrity, who I didn’t know was also a known blogger.

That interview mentioned that she also writes so I got curious since I’ve been hearing about the said celebrity everywhere and it surprised me that they mentioned she was a good writer too.

I saw her blog and I don’t know about being a good writer, but she was an honest writer. She was candid and since she’s young, that youthful emotion and energy bled through her journal entries.

Her blog was about her life, struggles and thoughts, and it inspired me again.

Her honesty reminded me of the day I deleted my original blog. Okay, she’s more famous and more worldly than I am, more outgoing and more mature than I was at that age and even tho I am older by a few years (Thank goodness for ‘few’), she made me realize that it’s not weird to be too pensieve and too emotional about the world, things, people, events and write about them in any way or form I felt like writing them.


For 7 years I haven’t been totally honest. For 7 years I haven’t been publishing my real interests, thoughts and life because… I can’t let go of the past.

I still like books, I still like films, I’m still idealistic (That’s why I’ve been holding onto meeting that special 1), I am still obsessed with gay/YAOI ROMANCE, I still like drawing, sketching.. but I’ve stopped taking a step forward. I stopped trying to be the best.

I’m one of those kids back in the 90’s who said I’m gonna meet Steven Spielberg and work with him, people even laughed and called me nuts when I said that my dream was to.. you know.. become like him be the next ‘him’. (Now, 12 years later, I get why they laughed though..)

I’m gonna go back to writing.. after that incident 7 years ago, the time I opened this blog, I stopped writing 100% honestly. I wrote because I love to write, but I didn’t write what I really wanted to write because I didnt know what I wanted to write.

I was afraid of being emotional, of airing out my problem, the betrayal I felt, the incapacitated feeling, the powerlessness, the errors I made. I was afraid to write about the regret, the sorrow, the need.. basically everything ugly about me at that moment because 1. everything was unclear and new. 2. I don’t want to feel victimized and weak and wrong.

Suppressing them bit me or will continue biting me in the butt.. I knew that, so I planned to write about them as a novel to help and inform other people in a positive way. I tried.

I quit my job, went to take a 2 month vacation to write that novel. I couldn’t go past 1-page. I continue to hurt and wrote weird poems (I never wrote poems before) just to bleed some of the hurt out, I posted smokey essays and quotes. That 2-month vacation turned into 4.. YEARS.

I was beaten down and changed, i left writing, and my dream of filmmaking but I still stuck with some of the things that I love fitness and health.

I found a job. Like always, I put 110% in it. The company was huge, but the politics made its future murky. My team left it after 6 months.

I said I’m gonna finish that novel.

I still haven’t.

I don’t know what I’m so afraid of. I was never afraid of failure. There are so many reasons why I can’t finish that novel and I know that they’re all bullshit.

Elon Musk said “If you need inspiring words to do something. Don’t do it.”


I don’t really need inspiring words though.

I just need to finish that to move on with my life. So I can attend job interviews and answer questions sincerely, so I can be free of the past and the negativity and bitterness..

I can’t bring back my optimistic, wide-eyed self.. but I want to uncover the person I dreamt of being when I reach the age of 23.. it’s 6 years too late for that now but as they say, better late than never.

To the celebrity, thanks for reminding me of what’s important.


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Posted by on October 18, 2017 in Uncategorized


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