Category Archives: journal

Finding my old young-self again

I’m watching Roland Garros, something I’ve avoided for the last two years because it reminded me of my young-immature self. This is just one of the many things I tried to forget, and unconsciously, I’m getting edgier and edgier in the past two years that I’ve been trying to change. Now, I’m watching Serena Williams’ game live after watching Maria Sharapova’s match and my mind just went to relax-mode. Stories are pouring in, everything, right and wrong seem to clear up.

I don’t know if I’m finding myself again or learning about myself. But isn’t it better to build yourself rather than find it? For me, the thought of finding oneself brings forth a scene where in important objects pass by a body searching endlessly for whatever precious thing is waiting, whereas building oneself is collecting precious things you see on the way and incorporating them into ones self.

On a different note, watching French Open is reminding me of the times when I can go through days without sleep! Mutants do that. Now, more and more people do that, younger ones. What’s up with old people (including myself) thinking that they need to sleep more?

I don’t think this is a sign of aging, writing about oneself, the past and talks of getting old… it’s a sign of laziness, over-thinking, being emotional… boredom.

Looking at Serena Williams made me realize that she’s playing while she can still play. She’s the number one seed, she’s been on the top since I was in high school, twelve years old? It is not greatness, well it is, but I think it’s beautiful how she’s embracing all the time she has while she can still play tennis, while her body is still allowing her to. That thought alone is more than enough motivation to keep holding onto her number one spot. Where is this thought coming from? Back then I was too young to understand how the real world really works, if you’re number one, isn’t a decade of being number one enough? Wouldnt you be able to retire in peace after that? This was when I was twelve. Once, twice is enough…

But when you love something, you want to be able to live forever and do it forever. It seems to be that way. I haven’t found that thing yet but I understand the importance and greatness of this concept now.

Anyway, poetry and writing aside, Serena Williams plays beautifully and flawlessly! Wow! After years and years she still plays with spunk and electricity. She just pulled off a top spin and I pity Sarah E for the 6-0 score, Serena Williams is like playing darts on the court. Her serves are so precise and she seems to predict the direction of the ball beforehand, she’s already in position even before the ball hits the floor.


But Roger Federer.

Really. Really? What happened. 😦 it stunned me! Tsongo…

R. Fed! You’re still the best!

Anything is possible! Nothing is ever impossible.

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Posted by on June 7, 2013 in journal, opinion, sports, tennis, winkibus


Run! Follow what you love.

In life we hear a lot of things such as ‘follow your heart’, ‘do what you love’, ‘Be Happy..’, but what do they really mean? In this era of technology and material things it’s becoming quite hard to walk in a straight line. This era, without a doubt is strikingly different from previous eras because it’s not just about us humans anymore but humans and technology, ‘a defining moment in the history of mankind’ (if you want it dramatically penned). Life revolves around these two things whether we care to admit it or not. Sometimes we follow so many things, trends, events that we neglect to ask ourselves if what we’re doing makes us happy, more importantly if it is who we really are.

Losing track is getting common nowadays and it’s not a question if getting back on track is easy, but what track to get back on.

Bird’s eye-view – Cebu, Philippines

“When in doubt, follow what you love.”

I can’t testify to this yet, but it sounds so right. When I see life and the struggles, hardships and pain that go with it I think to myself, the only thing which makes it worth living is to do it with the thing you love most, i think that’s the time when life will be most beautiful.

So yes, I made the mistake of not doing the things I love whenever I feel down, I leave them out whenever I feel angry, negative and depressed, afraid that negativity will tarnish my child-like adoration and love for my hobbies (yoga, swimming, writing, movies, animation, anime, jogging, baking and cooking). Thinking that if I do them with something negative in mind it wouldn’t be as pure, fun and free anymore.

I found it hard to accept that I can harbor negative emotions. I found it hard to accept that reality can be really dreadful and nightmarish. I don’t want to avoid it by hiding behind things I love (things which made me lively ever since I was young.), that thought only proved that I was narrow-minded and naive.

Knowing about the dreadfulness, I realized that what I should be doing is to ‘share’ the things that I love to ease things up if not erase all things dreadful. It’s not about ‘hiding’, it’s not about me, it’s about bringing it to another level. Everything to a whole new level.

It might be easy to say and write about these things but it would be stellar if we could all follow what we love through and through towards our own happiness. For me? It’ll be hard and complicated, just like anything in life, but I will do it!


14th Dalai Lama

Because of one post from ‘’, i was able to know about ‘Dalai Lama’. As someone who’s done a bit of research about spirituality, tranquility, Taoism, Qui Gong, Yoga and have committed time to these practices, I surely am… humiliated that I have no idea who Dalai Lama is. Sure, I read quotes from him here and there, and I probably read about him back when I was younger but I dont know of him or his contributions. I was more surprised when Rona, my kid sister knew of him, or at least she’s familiar with his title. (It’s even more humiliating that when we were talking about religion and she referred to Buddha using his real name, and I was like: err… wait, I know ‘Siddhartha’ he was a prince right… like Mahabharata or something… and then  she told me, it’s Buddha. okay.)

Dalai Lama is admirable. I am just starting to REALLY explore worlds outside of my own. I dont know if it’s a bit late for that because I’m 24, but he sure gives a whole new meaning to greatness.
I dont want to sound patronizing and idolizing but because I’m ‘originally’ an anime-buff, a cartoon-addict and I’m just starting to outgrow those clothes, I can’t help BUT, BUT relate everything into my world. I can’t help but notice too, that his life story was similar to Avatar the last air bender, and no research is necessary to prove that it is a fact:
The 14th Dalai Lama was hailed as the next Dalai Lama when he was 2 years old, he was found in China through signs and OMENS, after finding him in a specific place, he was presented with things/toys/possessions belonging to the previous Dalai Lamas and some were just random possessions. He chose those belonging not only to the 13th, but all the Dalai Lamas exclaiming ‘Mine mine!’, making him the reincarnation of all the 13.  After that, he was the youngest of all 14 to actually be hailed as a Dalai Lama, not waiting for him to claim the power at adulthood, he didn’t have any choice but to be the leader at age 15.

Seriously, if this isn’t proof that he was the inspiration for Aang in Avatar… plus that his original name had the name: ‘Gyatso’ in it is enough proof. cool.

I have to admit that I thought at first that he was all smiles, warm and engaging… and he is! But he is also really deep, charismatic and a good speaker. Which I didn’t perceive when I saw how ‘holy-like’ people make him to be. I dont know him, and I haven’t read anything from him, but I’ve heard him speak and I like his thoughts, message and… well, gestures. He met powerful people all over the world and Dalai Lama was able to light up, suck everything into his own world. No ego, no pretentiousness, no daunting and overwhelming presence… so calm and tranquil all the while. I hated the media coverage but without it I wouldnt have any way to listen to him and watch see him.
I am thinking of changng religions. From Catholic to Buddhism. My sis said I just have too much idle time on my hands and that’s why im thinking these things but I’ve been interested in religion ever since… the beginning of time… :), ever since I was awkward and clueless, I always had God with me and my thoughts… I doesnt feel like I’m turning my back on him if ever I change religions but then again maybe i’m just justifying my actions??? Because I’m thinking that as a Christian I was raised to believe that God created everything, right? If that’s true then he also created Buddha and the concept of Taoism… or is that a twisted logic?
For one, although I believe and love ‘God Almighty’ with all my being, Christianity didnt pull me in as much as Buddhist teachings and Qui Gong did. I attended church, celebrated Christmas, bonded with family… but I never knew scriptures from the Bible, I can’t recite the 10 commandments, I don’t recall memorizing the trinity or Ama-namin… Whenever I went to church I always felt like fainting and suffocating. Like what I was wearing wasn’t too comfortable. It’s either too hot or too ‘something’. But when I read the bible, I find myself totally immersed in the teachings of Jesus Christ… the way of sharing and giving that is Christianity. But it’s just that i dont see it manifested in my fellow Christians… or in life.
It got me thinking, while I believe the way of the bible, Christianity is doing a poor job in etching it into the being of my fellow Christians. There is doubt and turmoil in the heart. Instead of being enlightened, opening up and surrendering. In Christianity there is a violent tug-of-war between good and evil even though the Bible says to honor and respect everyone and oneself. To be at peace and always pray for thanks and doubts…
I realized that while I always say and believe myself to have an open mind, I am quite self-centered, prejudiced and narrow minded. This interest in religion and getting to know other beliefs better is a new thing for me. Back then I said it, but when actually faced with it I have inhibitions that I try to cover up with enthusiasm. I see people from Jehovah’s witness, Muslims and Buddhists and think automatically that they’re not like me… when in reality maybe my fellow Christians are NOT like me and maybe Buddhists are like me but religion is making me believe otherwise.
I don’t want this to be a hype-thing where I-just-want-to-be-different or just to belong or just because I’m not doing IT/GREAT right now that i have to change my beliefs and religion; or take it as a purely-curious-phase of my life; but more of a life-changing, coming-out chrysalis-phase of my life (where did I get that word?). I want it to be natural.
That is why I’m thinking. I want it. But is it right? I feel calm about it like it is right though. and I want to soak into their customs. 
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Posted by on June 22, 2012 in journal, religion, Spirituality, wisdom


Journal: Cornered

I lost my mojo.

Reminds me of the movie: Austin Powers Gold Member. Sigh. How should I begin? It’s been a while since I blogged about moi. Something propelled me to go back to my own writing style and just blog about everything without limit. Family, events in my life and those little moments that I consider magic.

Blogging has been a part of my life but for some reason I chose to stop blogging completely and deleted my precious blog dreamer sanctuary.

I was young, i wanted to be a writer, a great writer without going through the starving artist phase, but also without relying on my parents, without relying on connections, just me, my pen and ideas.

I miss my crazy self, but if there’s one thing i learned over the past few years, acting frivolous, cheerful, unpredictable and happy wont make people take you seriously. In a way i was way too honest for my own good. I thought if you did your best and did your job you can be yourself. But then, the up side was that I began to think about other people’s feelings now that I understand people more. It’s just that I can’t blurt out words randomly anymore, it’d seem too childish- like “HONTOU!?” “KAKKOI!” “AWESOME!” “EVIL!” “COOL”.

My mentality back then was to dream, pursue your dream and just be cool. Enjoy the short life God has given you and get away from all the negative elements of the world. Sooo… I played tennis, did running, yoga, swimming, cooking… but then I realized that I wasn’t going anywhere, I learned new things as a person but in terms of career, I wasn’t pushing forward. I was enjoying being 20-22 way too much forgetting about my dream. Sure, I traveled with friends telling myself that it’s inspiration for a movie, a story… but that’s just me deluding myself, making myself feel less guilty for enjoying.

When in reality I missed what it was that made a story delicious. Because I had it easy, because I always stayed on the safe side, always thinking that all the mishaps are part of the adventure, I missed what it was like to feel.

To feel.

I deleted my blog, the one i love  so much ever since its birth in 2006 (but saved a copy in my hard drive), because even though it’s an album of my past and it reminded me of how I perceived things and how I was able to give 110% energy all the time, it’s time for me to consider some things that I didn’t even think was worth my time of day. I am just human after all.

I have to get my mojo back, I wasted enough time and enough brain power on useless things. But I am still weighing my options, I have to keep in mind that I am still that ‘dreamer,’ that ‘soul saver’, that ‘adventurer’. That girl who loves raw/smackdown, who loves nba and pro-tennis, who listens to jrock/jpop when she wakes up in the morning. Who stays up late at night to finish a good book. Who will go to places alone and meet new people. Who will swim whenever/wherever she feels like it.

Am I worried about the future? I would be lying if I say no, but then if I say yes I would sound cowardly and not-myself (hah?), but then I am no longer my old young self no matter how much I tell my mind otherwise, so yes, I am worried, mostly of people and what they can say and do, but what didn’t change is that I am still excited. What will happen next?! What am I going to learn? Make?

And then there’s one member of the audience who really matters and who’s always been watching my every move, and he’s always been my guiding force, I always apologize to him whenever I’ve wronged or erred… But I now know that nobody, especially me, should settle in that forgiveness that he always gives when we ask for it.

For me, It’s time to make God proud.

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Posted by on May 19, 2012 in journal, thoughts


The late 21st century adult…

It’s now 2012. How does one act? How does one live? Who are we going to listen to?

Today… in this age… this point in time is the most confusing of all generations. There’s the era of Socrates and Sophocles, Alexander the Great, the era of Shakespeare, Mozart, Tchaikovsky, Schumann, Beethoven, Einstein, Alexander Graham Bell, The world war, The Era of Hitler and Marilyn Monroe and Elvis Presley, The Era of Spielberg and Bill Gates, The Era of Obama and Steve Jobs…

And now… we are in this era of technology, globalization and random faces trying to get hold of happiness in terms of love, money, fame and power. The most prominent trend in this generation though is that this is the era of plastics and plastic surgery… who can be the most fake in the most fashionable way.

I dont want to betray my generation. I was born in 1988, I am an adult-child who is a fan and an observer of life and these are just some things that I noticed.

Life is beautiful but the chaos inside that beauty is just too tangled to untangle. With a laundry list of history to study, of pasts to review and decode we are still repeating the same mistakes that our ancestors did.

We have the luxury of time now, to enjoy the fruits of their labors but we are using them in the trashiest ways… Instead of advancing as individuals some even become total sloths no longer pushing themselves to their limits and afraid to get out of their comfort zones. There are people my age who could have had become the next MOZART or ELVIS PRESLEY or even KISS but noooo… an unknown blackhole sucked out all the energy for talent and left him/her drained and brainwashed.

What’s going to happen now?

True that people are still motivated to be musicians, doctors, painters, artists, scientists, lawyers… But we are all being manipulated by our time. I may be talking about free will and freedom, a topic that’s been around and debated about for ages, but it’s a more complicated issue now that technology, globalization and global warming (?) are concerned.

What I am trying to say is that people can’t find the balance between these two. At least my generation. Independence is a thing of the past. We are so dependent of a lot of things that there’s no balance anymore, of which that we need within ourselves and thus, chaos.

I know that I am not the only one who’s taken notice. Maybe musicians, writers or people who muse all the time.

But although I’m ranting this way, I know that in time my generation will find balance and make use of all these things that are happening today in the most productive ways.


Hello world: Angel showdown.

i’m sure i’m not the only who’s experience this ‘out of this world’ awakening of some sort. a stab that sort of woke you up to the real-ness* of it all ( *deliberate*). I have to stop over thinking things and playing the blame-game and start looking at the facts and decide whether to follow my dreams or to follow a new dream.
Thing is, we all encounter this kind of thing in life (for me it’s kind of different though, i’m a stubborn old soul ever since i was 10!), even people i looked up to before encountered this roadblock. they had the audacity to overlook something distasteful and move forward. as for me… i am tempted.
in my heart, i feel that i know the answer. but in my mind the answer seems like a gamble, seems stupid, seems… careless, seems like i can control the result but i am reckless enough to mess it up.
10 years from now, 20 years from now. what will happen to us? To my generation? Are we going to end up like my mom? my dad? my aunt? or people i see on facebook? twitter? who’s going to be the next bruno mars? lady gaga? beyonce? rihanna? pope? obama? did PNoy ever knew that ‘he’ was going to end up being the president of the ‘philippines’??
I just realized this now, that people like certainty or are obsessed with security. I have been too preoccupied and obsessed with movies and my hobbies that i missed out on planning and thinking about the things that i want, need, like and dont want, need, like to happen to me.
I always thought that I am going to be what I want to be. but it didnt occur to me that dreaming wasnt enough, ideas werent enough. People i admire were once normal people… who’ve gone into this metamorphosis-stage (i dunno what to call it) in different ages. some 18, some 25, some 30, some 40…
it was just a shocker. no one really knows about the future. no one has the assurance.
but one can only know what makes the great… GREAT, and the average… average. although, i hate categorizing people in that manner, there’s a psychological explanation about why people are the way they are, a psychological reason that people wont be able to control. So who are we to judge who’s great and who isn’t?
so… this is what they call fear. this is so pathetic! 
this is what i get for getting ahead of myself. for being arrogant and conceited. 
am i going to be a doctor?
a lawyer?
or a director?
i just stumbled upon this article today, (coincidence?)

1. Overcome your fears.

“He was scared of just about everything,” recalls Leah Adler, Spielberg’s mother. “When trees brushed against the house, he would head into my bed.”

Fear is something we all must deal with as human beings. Some people remain in your comfort zones and never venture into the unknown. You might want to become a writer or director but you’re afraid what others might say about your new ambitions. The naysayers might plant doubt and fear in your mind. “Working in film is too unstable” or “It’s all about luck and who you know”. Maybe the thought of giving your filmmaker dream a shot and not becoming successful will leave you looking like a fool.

Spielberg also had to learn to conquer his fear of failure. After being rejected by the extremely prestigious film school at UCLA, upon which he had pinned his hopes and dreams, Spielberg was unsure what the future held in store for him. While he knew film was his passion, he began to wonder whether or not he would be able to succeed at it. Unwilling to give up his dream, he enrolled in California State University and continued on his path. But, again, after getting a C in his television production course, Spielberg had to wonder whether he would ever amount to anything in this industry. He then took the even riskier decision to drop out of school and pursue his passion on his own.


Fear is an eye opener? the yin to my yang? the thing that turned everything around? What turned me inside out? turned a doer into a thinker?

FEAR. i was fearless to the point that it’s crazy. i was free to the point that it’s stupid. fearless, crazy, free and stupid… that’s me. also a dreamer.

I didnt realize my fears because i had none. I was so complete before that i took it for granted

i didnt listen to anyone and i just followed my guts and instincts..


now i fear. dishonest people, schemers, depressing people, pessimists, people with no soul, insecure, thieves, imitators

i hope to be with children all the time.

thing is, back then i hated kids. does that mean i was like a kid that’s why i didnt like them? because we’re similar? and now i hate these kinds because ive been exposed to them and been contaminated myself?

there really are people with evil intentions. ‘yoshihiro togashi’ the creator and ‘yuyu hakusko’ wasnt just making up those monsters in the human world. when ‘yusuke yurameshi’ woke from the dead and was able to see these demons flying around humans. possessing them, making them depressed.

this is the reality of life, so it seems. i am ready for it, so it seems. thing is i want to BE. but i dont know how to face dishonest people, or pretentious people, nor can i detect them. I only know myself. i dont want to slander them, talk about anyone, take sides… I dont like politics. i just want to do and create things (that sounded weird). To laugh and make people laugh.

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Posted by on February 15, 2012 in journal


Hello world! ‘on writing’

Strength, is infinite, sometimes we all won’t know our real strength unless  we know what’s important to us and the reason why they are important to us…
Again my words of wisdom that even I can’t follow and comprehend. These words suddenly bubble-popped into my head, if that makes any sense. At 23 I feel like I have suddenly gained the wisdom of an 80 year old woman. With it, I was robbed of my courage, my spontaneity,  my innocence and free nature. I miss not knowing anything. It might seem stupid to some, but I realized that it’s not good to know everything, the wonder seizes. The sparkle that triggers imagination and curiosity – gone. 
I can’t help but try to remember myself 5 years ago when I would hang out at the library to read until the school closed, for the sheer love of it, I felt overwhelmed with the library’s collection that my 4-year stay wouldnt be enough and so, I grabbed all the time I could get. Tolkien, Anne Rice, Rowling, Johanna Lindsey, Stephen King, Sydney Sheldon, Gaiman… I read everything, from everyone. I was… weird. and lucky. Weird that despite being a part of the athletic organization and other active organization, I spent my time hiding from my friends to sneak out to my own little corner at the fully air-conditioned library. LUCKY, because despite my weird behaviors and interests and my flippant image, I was loved and trusted. People from all walks of life accepted me. It was cool and fun. And everyday I knew that God was watching over me while my angels were both breathing down my neck.
I remember how i used to read those novels, to me they were a portal to another world more real than the one I live in. I wonder why. I loved my life, it wasn’t perfect, but it was fun… I was fun. And I saw books and stories more interesting than people. I was attracted to authors with a more visual writing style. I understood what they meant but now I realized that I didnt understand the reason behind them perfectly.
My favorite author back then were Tolkien and Rowling because I can visualize every second of every scene in their novels, it’s a bit fanatical but I wouldnt sleep and if possible bat an eye until I was done with a book. 
Now i realized that I have been tricked. Their intentions in writing the stories made depleted my enthusiasm a bit. Maybe because it was religious and knowing that lessened the effect of the magic, i know that stories have reasons and meanings behind them, but I just didnt expect God to be involved in a huge way. 
Stupid me, where did I think they got the idea? 
Anyway, I truly believed in their imagination and their vision, and that’s the reason I wanted to become a writer. They were the reason. But now, I clearly see where they were coming from. And I am just seeing where I am coming from.
Anyway, these writers, I don’t even know if they have real emotions or not (i know how I sound). I learned that being a writer  doesn’t necessarily require one to be emotional, you just got to have imagination and to be able to think logically. 😮
This is the first time in my life that I have ever been emotional. I have to stop it this year. Quit being emotional and be a pirate. Be a samurai. Be a ninja. right.
This concludes my entry for today.
I think I’m still the same though in terms of writing… free.

now watching: 

 now obsessing over: Star Craft and Hunter X Hunter

now listening to: Maxim Mvrca

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Posted by on February 4, 2012 in journal, quotes, thoughts